mannerisms.

Dealing with society is a challenge which i sometimes find hard to undergo.
It definitly reflects their personalities and on the subject of being promiscuous well..
mannerisms and morals is what i have. Seeing as i have no confidence and incredibly low self esteem i do not see how you can even class me as some of the things you have. I have nothing to be ashamed of...so stop taking your insecurities out on me.
www.formspringme.com is the beneficial website to people who can't hide there opinions well, its for people who don't have independant minds and believe everything they are told without verification grow up and get some morals of your own, start to learn how to interact with the some what un-normalism to you and gain understanding of the word different.

lift me up

someone come and change this state of mind.

i feel low, i dont want shelter, but only exclude myself from all that's been said and done.

shying away from all that's getting me here, leaves me unable to rest tomorrow..

my dream last night was not what i wanted, it scares me as i see upset in other peoples eye's and the strangest thing is i have been to that place in my dreams before, i have been with different people but it's always the same place? would it be possible to find this place and visit it to get an explanation as to why it wants to punish me? or maybe its another mind game that is felt necessary to play oh i don't know, but i do know one thing i do not want to be here, in this grotty ghost dead ended town.

you always bear a break up on your own

Is in a hideous mood today, it contains no agression no emotion no effection nothing. Its as dull as a cloudy day. This time last year we were on a boat on the river for my birthday, we were sipping starbucks and spending everyday together.. We still to this day carry out are antics but not as often as i would of hoped for. No one will ever understand how much i would kill to go back to last year. There wasn't a day where i didn't hear your voice, and seeing you on saturday and being told you missed me just led me to believe you still loved me. The benefits of us now are brighter then i expected back then, and also more positive but this doesn't go without saying i miss you. Dec was the last month we spent everyday together, and how things change snowball fights was it? walking into your fridge and you stealing my dunk which i still to this day haven't got back but i still have the love heart that you gave me.. i also believe i owe you something which you won for 50p right? no one would understand half of the things that contained us and who we were because we were a private couple and this is what i loved. I know your happy as you told me earlier and this gave me the intitiative to go and be the same.

i always wonder what it would have been like if we were still together

take that passion & make it happen.

I never ever expected to feel like this for you, i expected it to just be a one of thing, but with out the hassle of certain individuals it has been a glorious month. I'm scared to loose someone who i trust 99.7% but i know i can trust you 100. Your a beautiful person and your arrogance makes you the strong person that you are. We have all had problems with relationships in the past but it doesn't mean we live in the past we move on experience an extent of one end to another.. i don't trust you'll be single for a while, and if i was you i would play the field but because i know I'm the only one on that field it right now that makes me ten times more worried about when I'm going to loose you. We both having different view on this 'friendship' and I'm not going to lie mine have changed rapidly over the past week, but it's not to say i want to act upon them because w.e i do i know I'm going to get hurt. I never think before i say things, and your are correct in saying i jump to conclusions which most of the time are wrong but its only because as i say I'm scared. my self confidence gets knocked and my ability to trust gets in the way..please don't ever hate me because now were friends i couldn't imagine not talking to you everyday, or having that phone which is exactly the same ' hi Sid , hi, hi Sid, hi Kane. What you doing Sid?, etc etc' you know where I'm going with this don't you? basically you've become a big part of my life and i don't want you making a vast exit our sex is glorious, and i feel it consists of a lot of passion so being's as i like you i want you to stick.

bluurggh.

This is a sense of emotion in which i haven't felt for a long time.
nothing isbeneficial anymore and i don't like it, i'm ill i need to go to the doctors as i have 2 painful ears, and before you jump to the conclusion ' oh she thinks she has such a hard life' actually take the time to see that sometimes i get upset, and somethings have happened to me which will be extremely hard to forget about, i shouldn't have to explain why i feel crappy you should just take on board that im not my usuall self and should act upon that.
The strange this is were not even close anymore, so why do we both put the effort in? when its not benfiting us in anyway.. i've been thinking alot about moving away yet my confusion is a bundle of nerves and being sensitive to leaving certain individuals, it scares me to think that i might not remember you if i went.

its time for birthday shananagansssssssssss.

Lovers dont date.

I liked the simplicity of understandment towards me not being able to trust you.
Its not as i wanted but i should of know that this was going to be an easy ride for you, and not so easy for me.. It affected me at the start but after i was explained what the situation actually looked like it made me realise that none of this is worth my time, your not the person i thought you were, you seem to go back on your world and your slightly hipocritical its not considered right. Its my birthday in 17 hours and 10 minutes so i dont need care nor worry about you even though i wish i still could feel some liking towards you.
i think i needed this.

your a commmon denominator, your the part of the equation.

it's a a square route of a number will is related to the gossip that is given to school girls to then square root off to other people. Just a fraction of upset is like doing division it confuses me.

subtracting you is something i dont want to do but i also don't want to add you as it will soon be a fraction again. I could talk math all day but i don't want to i just want you to understand what im saying otherwise i can't be told of the common denominator.

i cant say i have ever been worried for someones safety this much EVER.
i wish i didnt like you as much as i did then i would not have the worry to carry around bahh.
just text me to let me your alright.
<3
x

extremely emotional what the fuck?

so yes i did tell a teacher to get off her arse and fuck off but i felt as the time that it was necessary but I'm guessing the crying afterwards wasn't suppose to happen HM? i haven't cried in a while and i was rather taken back by the unexpectedness.

I'm thinking of my options for next year, my concerns with what results I'm going to get back from my course work? you know i would prefer to sit a 20 hour exam like i did in high school i mean it was 4 days out of the 5 but man it was not worth that U when my CW was a C.

i achieved and achievable B + in my media exam which is 3 marks of an A and now in college its a drag and i cant be bothered to participate my motivation has gone i wasn't to go to city college next year yup that's what I'll do.

the possibilities are endless.

This is a vision in which i know is going to fail in a shitty cuntish way.

you don't want what i want, even though i have explained the possibilities and i have played my ball in the court yet you struggle to play yours? it's upset me how you wasn't 100% honest with me yet i can't moan or whinge because i haven't been 100% honest with you.

it's my 17Th soon and yet you wished you had waited till a few months were added as you never had the opportunity with other girls? it makes me feel that you only did this as there was no other path to take rebound??? don't take offence to that comment its just my conscience.

I need to go now as it's annoying me this whole difficult situation I'm sorry.

We're so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder or doesn't humiliate you beyond repair. This is the time that some real thought went into the changes i want to make against all conspiracys. I dont want to be how i was a few months ago, and YOU wouldn't understand as i never explained.. plus you'll only critise me for it so i choose to keep this one quiet, but if you understood the lack of trust i now have to any guy that approaches me then maybe you'll have some pre conceved idea in which you wish you had followed through. I should be to young to even know, maybe to strong to grow weak and possibly lost but will always be found, but strangely enough i feel as though im going to drown. Why do i have to grow up and have responsibilites why can't i be young, 'cute' and carefree BLURGH.
We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders. with you It's often just enough to be with you. I don't need to touch you. Not even talk. A feeling passes between us both, Yet i still feel alone.
i like you.

i have such a debth aspect of life and its scary some of the things i think about it terrifies me how the possibilitys of being truely happy on this land of lost is a mer 1% genuinly the purpose of us being here is to test our strength courage and patience with the tasks we have to overcome.. as i have said before this is hell death wasnt formed here, only hate was and hate is the closet thing to love oh i hate being let down this is horrible.
i haven't felt low in a while and this isn't the best way to feel.

has just come to realise life sucks poppy is my favourite and then the other little suttin suttins follow close behind. i DON'T need any form of male in my life as its a head fuck just like my head was last night after the consumption of alcohol and pot. i also don't need you in my life your a cunt, a 2 faced whore who thinks they can treat people like shits. Its no wonder your hated. i can smell burning i do hope my house isnt on fire i wanna smell fresh cut grasss.

:(
emotinally drained, lack of sleep and the dissapointment im going to recieve sucks. will someone find me and hold me close never let go and promise they will stay with me forever, see the sights with me share our dreams and be passionatly close.
i dont even want my birthday because i dont want to celebrate the year i just had and its not asif i can celebrate to the future year ahead of me when i know its not going to be great.
poppy knights is all i need right now everyone should just leave me alone because i will be disrespectful with out meaning to.

Its raining and the leaves have still fell to the ground but i always feel cosy when inside looking out.. my mind is full of so much confusion right now that i just over think everything and say things that i dont really want to happen just that i think are best. Me n pop were having a conversation last night about the exsperiences we wished we had never witness at such young ages and with my mother and her mother being really close friends i feel as though she is like a sister. I've also been thinking alot about my dad and wondering whether he thinks about me, giving me that 'want' to find him.. i've also been thinking about how fun everything had become and now it all seems a tad complicated i didnt want to think things in debth i honestly didnt but sometimes we are all secluded and our minds lead us to think in debth. i feel as though no one is speaking bar me as i only listen to myself i lack the trust i need to have people in my life and i loose the confidence to want to trust so i pretend i dont care, i put a barrier up against my feelings and block out anything that i think will lead to future hurt.. thing is i want to trust you more then anyone in the world even though i know im going to get hurt self enflicted right?

i feel like a fat little shit its horrible.
i feel everything i have done over the last month has been meaningless and worthless and i also feel i have caused more complications for myself then ever before.
i don't like the 9th march.

i enjoyed making lumpy pasta with rio.
paramore are now back into my life.
and im so stoked for the summer its unbelievable.

this weeekend a meal with my favourites then out, i now dont need to worry about seeing anyone out i couldn't care i've reached the point where i am at a pleasent mood with how my life is going college work is up to date and everything else is falling into place. im rather content with how this shitty game of life is treating me. I also come to the conclusion that the conspiracy of the devil is true.. the devil didn't creat death right? it only created a form of evil causing hate? but hate is so close to love.. there is no where other then here which explains hell so we have to battle through experiences of the unexpected.. but we'l make it because some say we'l make it through, when all security fails you still have the ones you love.

life is perfect.

its just sex i know this but the more it happens the more i want you around i hate it.

this weather is good enough for bonnett sex!! rolling in fields and early summer bbq's. MTV classiXs are on my tee with my double doors open whilst i eat melons im living the high life
romeo,scarlett,pop,curtis,woodpenis favourites of mine fuck everyone else.
now could someone nice come along and wine and dine me please? then it would be a good year to look forward too and things would be perfect ALSO its my birthday soon someone buy me a toy watch?

That dreaded song come on today which i have avoided listening to since 'it' happened.
It is the song that brings back horific memorys followed by horific news that left me in the emotion of sadness for day. my body disengaged, not wanting to function but the state of shock i was in, it was no surprise.
The horror was my friend jordan mark smith who died on the 2nd june 2008 i was on the train going to norwich when my friend asked me to go sit with him, for some reason i chose to be stubborn and sit on my own i sat chatting for the course of the journey when my phone went off.
The text message read ' jordie smith has died early this morning' i dropped the phone
and ran to the guy sitting half way down the train who previously asked me to sit with him and asked him is it true he just said and i sad in shock i couldnt speak.
i got back to beckys after norwich to check the internet and that just made it worse seeing everyone greeving i broke down and the song come on i felt at the time hurt and pain.
i never went to his funeral for being scared to let him go but i think the 500 people who did go made up for me no appearing RIP jordie its coming up to your 19th and we'll celebrate the whole night for your sleep tight.

a weekend with the lady boys and fella's is bound to be a goooden.
yup goodfly.
x

Today has made me realise that my friends and family are the most important things in my life. The girls i was with today are my total life, i would give my right arm for them and some even my left, we all had such an enjoyable day in the sunshine without worry or hassle of work college boyfriends nothing it was our day.. this evening was enjoyable aswell tray fulls of chicken nuggets and chips, eye brows plucked, nails tipped and tinted life isn't such a chore i would want to get up every morning knowing that my friends will always be a call away.

10am - i get on the bus to my nanny's ready and waiting for the dinner she prepared earlier in the morning.
11-45 am - arrive at nans with a pile full of pearl barley and the sweet smell of fresh crisp rubarb, pastry and warmed just right custard.
12.30pm-meet's elle romeo
1pm-shopping then meets laura and gemma
2pm-meets amy
2.30-dentist told i need a filling they offered me the appointment on the 23rd of march explained it was my birthday they moved it to the 24th:).
3.00pm - greenfields for a swift drink laura falls off her chair throwing her drink over elle, shane the bar man the fridge and all over the bar
3.30pm authodentist to meet scarlett, make appointment for my brace family planning put me on the pill and then meet poppy.
4pm - back in macs with poppy elle amy lauzzz and myself we hide from scarlett as she left us at the authodontist.
5.pm spike james sundae with sour sauce running to james to give it to him leading that to him throwing it over us.
6.pm at poppys stalking a hot guy who poppy likes the look of shame i know him bahhh
7.pm amy arrives at poppys whilst i discuss tattoos smoking role ups DIRTY and eating aero yogurts with poppies mum.
8pm nails are done along with eye brows.
9pm james arrives at poppies with bags full of KFC cheeky bastard he then cains amy with dirty abuse.
10pm step brothers is put on.
11 pm me n poppy cant help but laugh at amy getting cained
12 pm get taxi home from poppies as her nan wont let us drive her car even though poppy has a license

MAYHEM there was so much soft humour involved in this day that you would not understand the amount of enjoyment i got out of it.
CAN YOU MEET ME HALF WAY personal joke but my god would you have laughed if you understood.

its been nice with poppy lauren elle gemma amy scarlett <3 i love you.
p.s sleep tight my little man as i know your tired.

The quality of being simple or uncompounded, and lack of penetration or subtlety with absence of affectation or pretense is the way to recieve a favourable outcome. i desire, wish and demand the presence of someone to care for me, having sufficient means to meet my needs. I envy the smile possesed by another, despite there resentment towards another person for something they have possessed its used against people to spite, but when you see a genuine smile of happiness you become more envious. Changing from one state or phase is the occurance of a change in which should only be encouraged to prevent feeling of disapointment and jelousy towards other people.

a strong positive emotion of regard and affection is what im yearning for.

i just want you in my life for a long time.
fuck everyone else.

when you learn that i am not going to act upon the way you treat me, then you'll see that your acting like a childish cunt all of you.
you all need to look closer to each other too see who the real immature people are, as saying pointless, useless, untrue information.
it trips me up and puts me down, yet your still the one's who always seems to get what they want.
just fuck off out of my life and deal with your own.