i.. also miss you.

it rained this evening, it's nice to know we both felt raindrops and due to being in a night club i got pretty hot. It was a pleasant evening, with friends who i hadn't seen for ages who complimented on the way i have changed, and how much of a person i have become? this doesn't mean that now i am going to take advantage of what people think, i just would like people to know i appreciate it. Im so sitting at home, with Tauri chad and myself watching some shit on the TV. I'm pretty certain that i miss you right now and would like to be in your bed, whilst you comfort me. I pranked you 4 times it may seem, and it never managed to ring... just voice mail. It's nice when you contact me though, as i know you want to and you miss me. I would appreciate seeing you soon please? as i miss your beautiful little face. I don't want to depart i would miss you to much. Sleep tight baby, x

Would it be ok if i asked to move to rome please?
i won't take this opotunity for granted, and i will always appreciate it.
a little bit of money would be good aswell, if its cool?
thankyou.

p.s beautiful life.

i've realised i'm not clever.
but i'm clever enough to play games.
& you can't stop me.

i'm going shopping tomorrrow YES.
need to present myself for this weekend i think bankholiday baby.
and alof of people i know are back offffshore YAY.
This evening was strange,  i got knocked out by a door haha, and i also can't count how many pool balls are located on one table when i arrive back from having a sit down weeeweeee.
I wonder if jack found his hat? i wonder if adam will ever be with it, and i wonder if your still gay? or was it a one of thing.
I actually like my life, and i'm not going to let thing's bother me.
BTW you have chlamydia GUTTTTED.

2 months ago please?

Has actually a lovely day, minus a few mishaps.
It's been nice weather, including the drastic rain fall.
The fry up went down a treat, aswell as the company.
I have been offered more company for the week which i am looking forward to, it's time to meet a few new people, introducing them into my life aslong as they don't let me down.
I'm going on a keep fit rageim as i am now FAT yet i'm going round his this week to cook a mean carbarnara great sorry belly il apologise to you now.
The libertines are reunited, meaning they have once again entered my track listing for the evening well untill i have to go back out blurrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
i have had a lovely day though so it's nothing to complain about.
hello new dawn new day.

Good one that signing on msn, then signing off.
I have major ear and head ache.
major upset and anger.
But mainly i am expecting sunshine tomorrow, new dawn new day.

for all you who believe in love, it's not real.
for all you who have been hurt, trust me their not worth it, as much as you think they are they are not. People who never tell you what they want are only saying this because they want to keep you sweet so they lie to you to get what they want, and people who think that it's all a shambles, no doubt your beautiful and you could break down a man, so please don't let any form of male attention to distract you from your pure beauty, and lead you away from what is potential don't waste time.

There is a song i have been listening to and i have referred it to you.
it's about a man being emotionaly unavailable, strangest thing is my voice sings well with the lyrics.
I wish this wasn't a coincidence.

how do i get closer to you,
when you keep it all on mute.
how will i know the right way to love you.

usually the queen of figuring out.
breaking down a man is no work out.
but i have no clue
how to get through to you.

i wanna hit you just to see if you cry,
keep knocking on wood
hoping there's a real boy inside.

But you're not a man,
You're just a mannequin
i wish you could feel
the my love is real.
But you're not a man.

i wish i could just turn you on.
put a battery in and make you talk.
Even pull a string for you to say anything.

But with you there is no gurantee.
only expired warranty.
A bunch of broken parts
but i can't seem to find your heart.

i'm such a fool
i'm such a fool
i'm such a fool
this one's outta my hands.
I can't put you back together again.

Cause you're not a man,

You're just a mannequin
i wish you could feel
the my love is real.
You're just a toy
could you ever be a real real boy
and understand you're not a real man.

if the past is the problem
our future can solve them baby
i could bring alive if you let me inside baby
this will hurt, but in the end you will be a man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pAQWoe5Wn0

i want a VDUB? please.

Same shit, different day.

It's the same expected shit, just on a different day.
I know what to be expecting today..
I just wish my life wasn't so predictable.

i feel sick when being faced with the green eye'd monster.

How nice has today been.
I have done nothing but certain individuals who i haven't spoken to for months just made my day having the  make contact with me.
Going out for a beverage with one soon, along with coming back for a barbe and more beverages at my end.
The weather is beautiful and my sound track is impressive.
This will get better i know it and with what me and youngsy have planned for this summer it will be immense.

The fact i have been asked to make carbarnara for you, fears me or giving you food poisoning, maybe i should have told the truth about my cooking.

CLUB

Need's to exclude the most important person from my life, cause i'l only end up hurt.
I don't need to be used, i don't need to feel like you want everything, and i can't have nothing.

The beauty of being alone is to not fear hurt, or pain. Sadness or anger, and most of all im still a far distance from finding love, and i want it to stay that way. I like my new playlist.
I know this summer is going to be beautiful, as it already is turning out to be.

I know who my favourites are, and i wouldn't exchange them for a bag of wotsits, or beef monstermunch, or more importantly a steak. I'm keeping my enemies to a distance simply because i can't be bothered with the childish he said she said business. My life will be simple, with hurt affecting me now i will be ok in a few weeks.

Would the sun like to keep shining please? it makes me happy.

you think you'll be upset pffffffft.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
you think you get hurt, IM USE TO REJECTION.
you think there is such a thing as love? I DON'T .
YOUR SO WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING.
but the worst part is...













i was wrong about getting myself into this situation.

WANTS

i want to travel the world.
i want to be a christian.
i want live red hair.

i want an owl with a smoking pipe tattoed on my foot.

i want a guy who i can 'rely' on.
i want a menthol cigarette right now.
i want to remove myself from this depressing hell hole.
i want the summer to be here.
i want a new pair of sunglasses.
i want you and your forehead to fuck off out of my life.
i want you and your nose to die.
i want this dubstep to stay on my playlist forever.
i want to live in america.
i want another tattoo.

Love met Kurt Cobain, on January 12, 1990, in Portland's Satyricon nightclub[31] when the two still led underground rock bands.[32] Love made advances but Cobain was evasive. Early in their courtship Cobain broke off dates and ignored Love’s advances because he wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship. Cobain noted, "I was determined to be a bachelor for a few months [...] But I knew that I liked Courtney so much right away that it was a really hard struggle to stay away from her for so many months.

sound familiar, must be a male thing shame your indenial.
All i have read about today is love, and conbains marriage, divorce, love, and death and im interested as fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LAZ.

Buhrmann.
This is the most inspirational thing i have ever listened to. Is it possible to succeed in doing everything he says. The most beautiful thing i have ever been told, and yes i listened and i listened hard. I've been researching so many different theories conspiracys, inspirational speeches, murders/deaths, abductions everything. i can not express how much i want to get somewhere with my life. I may only be 17 but i have had a dream since i was a little girl to live in america and once i complete uni i will live in america, i HATE lowestoft, there is nothing here for me, and i would be willing to leave this town to be an independance of my own, in america. I will do it someone please let me do it.

get to know your parents you never know when they will be gone for good, be nice to your siblings there the best link to your past and most likely to stick to you  in the future.
understand that friends come and go, except for the precious few that you should hold onto. Live in NYC once but leave before it makes you hard. Travel except certain inalian truths.
be carefull who's advice you abide but be patient with those who suply it.
Don't waste your time on jelously.
April the 18th 2010, i have lost the bond i had with a special friend, who i would keep patient for him to offer me advice, i would let him dispense this, but i am going to understand the power and youth of myself, and see how much possibility lies before me. Don't worry about the future, the real troubles in your life are the actual things that never cross your life. Do 1 thing everyday that scares you. remember compliments you recieve, forget the insults. keep your old love letters throw away your old bank statements. I'm going to realise one day im a child, i'm not an aldult what i do i won't congratualte myself tomuch. Enjoy your body, everything you can do with it, its the greatest instrument you will ever own. i owe alot to myself for the way i have been, but it only makes me stronger. I will live in america one day, whether i be an adult or a child, but i will only ever leave a place if im 100% ready.

I'm ready for the crisis.

now the weather is turning out alot nicer then expected, i want to be guided to a nice guy.

someone who is willing to be commited to me, who know's what they want, someone who isn't in doubt, or afraid to make a drastic change to their some what simple life. The beauty of a summer romance, would be having fun. Stroll's along the beach whilst holding he is holding his shoes in one hand and the spade in the other preparing him self for the oppotunity to act 5 again. Her holding her flipflops whilst her maxi dress glides swiftly past her arm, as she gracefully laughs as him in a positive way as to say, 'you make me so happy'. Road trips to themeparks, zoo's, city shopping centers, outskirts of citys for dinner, dinner in the country side, or boat trips by the lake. picnics on acres of land where you can see greenery for miles, whilst eating pasta and drinking for her wine, and for him a crate, or some other alcoholic male substance.

all these things seem pretty beneficials, but most of them seem pretty unrealistic.
It's ok to dream though right?

•an artistic form of auditory communication incorporating instrumental or vocal tones in a structured and continuous manner

•any agreeable (pleasing and harmonious) sounds; "he fell asleep to the music of the wind chimes"
•musical activity (singing or whistling etc.); "his music was his central interest"
•(music) the sounds produced by singers or musical instruments (or reproductions of such sounds)
•punishment for one's actions; "you have to face the music"; "take your medicine.

All these different meanings to the simplicity of 1 word. Listening to a song can invent so many different images in one's mind. It brings an image of a certain individual, or maybe a group of people. Some melodys send you to sleep, some bring you the feeling of happiness, gives you that sense of summer but all in all music is the beauty of 'my' life. I could'nt be without it. Some would say that a little selection of my playlist isn't all that great but its a choice of yourself, you choose that music depending on what you want to feel like, or whether you want to think of someone.. or sometimes its just a happen in where music plays in which you havent listened to in a while and you realise what you thought you forgot.

this is the song im listening to right now and if you can guess then you will be able to understand my mood.

don't be discouraged

oh I realize

it's hard to take courage

in a world full of people

you can lose sight of it all

and the darkness inside you

can make you fell so small

i'm mentally weak and unstable.
that is what it is, it defines everything about me.
i run when things get tough, i get scared when people attempt to get close to me as i fear for my self and try to protect getting hurt. The most simplest of things bring me down, and i'm unable to understand why. I just guess, and question what is wrong with me and this place i'm in has been introduced to me feeling that everything can take me due to previous events that i would never wish upon anyone else. It's clear that i am not the most positive person, and i wouldn't blame you for running away from me now, i honestly wouldn't. Whether it would hurt me, would be better then hurting you because i'm already prone to being hurt. I set myself up for failure and if i don't fail then its an unexpectedancy. i need to remove myself from this place but it seems so tempting to stay here, its so crazy but being here is the only thing that i am.

it's a sickening anger i have right now.

I'm so confused with the way my life is going.
moving out at 17?
what course do i want to take next year at college?
i need to start driving
i need to get out of lowestoft.
this is shit.
and the most confusing thing is 'you' believe it or not i am content with the way things are going, but i'm still questioning what will happen in the future? because yes i do want you to play a BIG part in this & there is nothing stopping you right? except from a minor thing in which i'm sure will stop any potential future i have with you. I do have a beautiful life, i'm surrounded by beauty and i extract beauty from the way people are.

i'm sitting myself on my bed listening to a great example of how i feel and what i need to be told.

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start, if only it was possible to go back to the start right? to be younge again without fear or worry of what lie's ahead just the excitement of getting that stuffed toy in a happy meal, or waiting for your birthday cake to come with candles so you could wish for that toy you've been wanting and could hopefully get it on your next come around birthday. Birthday's always went quick with me as i'm 17 now and it only seems a few years ago that i was in the hairdressers down  bevan street, and some woman had purple hair, as the hairdresser accidently turned it that colour obviously the woman was unaware of the accident until i shouted 'look, that lady has purple hair' turns out i was 5 when this occured. Everybody laughed as i was only a incident child, and now when i walk past that what was a hairdressers and is now a cafe all i can think of is how pleasent my childhood was. Don't get me wrong i experienced alot more pain then alot of other children but the way my mother has made up for this i can never fault her in anyway she tried her best. It's just a shame i can't say the same for the male figure in my life. it's such a shame how i dislike the person i am, the young aldult im suppose to be, and the person i am turning out to be. The way people treat others makes me feel sick. The way children are being classed as obese, the way aldults think they have a right to beat chrildren, i HATE the way were expected to turn a blind eye to the lack of help we have to locate people to specific jobs to meet there needs, or the way homeless people are left without care off others, we take our lifes for granted and yet other peoples lifes never seem to get easy. I'm sick of hearing silly little crimes which are being overrated on the new's as i'm bored of hearing bad things about this community, and everything else, were surrounded by beauty as i first said and i'd appreciate people understanding the true meaning of beauty to act upon in their life, this is not going to happen its just a mere unrealistic idea.

right so now i am officially a red head. the few benefits of being a wash head are

1. standing out from the crowd

2. having your own style and your not afraid to show it

3. its original.

i don't know if i like it, i doubt you'll like it, and most of all i doubt anyone else will like it but what can i do, i done it because i wanted a change not to please anyone else.
also i am very thankful to my favourite human being for driving down there, for letting me move in and well everything she is doing for me.

i appreciate her.

tomorrow i hope to have hair like this...
no more extensions and choppy layers, i cannot wait i don't wanna be boring anymore its time for a change, maybe it will make me feel better about myself. I had a splendid day today, whether i had hassle from you or not, you still haven't bothered me, not with you shit threats or how you plan on ending your life cause the guy im sleeping with doesn't want to be your lover. your self pity isn't doing much for you, nor benefiting anyone else. You really need to wake up and smell the coffee, your worth way more then your offering.
As for you i had a lovely lazy afternoon thankyou, and brighouse come back into my life!!! hello cambridge tomorrow.

summer is close

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIVIENNE WESTWOOD.

WHAT A GOD SEND YOU ARE.

I love waking up to the birds singing and the sun shinining this now means i can go on a bike ride to get fit yay. What a brilliant day this is going to be.

i have decided i need to buy some new summer clothes, pretty little dresses preferbly as i am bored of my wardrobe, but as i am jobless i tthink my main priority is going back to work, i haven't had my p45 through yet meaning i can still go back to work untill 3 months is up.. and i'm sure they wont turn me down beings as i got the most surveys yumyum.

i'm looking forward to tonight, just because i know i will have a laugh..

in a bit bitches.

Can tell these week's of college will be good, the way things are going are leading me to believe that these guys will stick around for a while and this pleases me. The event's that took place last night have left me in a good mood, and this doesn't often happen. It feels like a monday, yet its a tuesday.. im thinking what to do tomorrow but i have already remembered im going on a bike ride, i need to be fit for the summer otherwise i will look sick, a complete change in everything i think is good and it's already started to take place. The things that i never let anyone see, yet hope to show you, it will take time i know this but is my time worth it. I'm constantly being upbeated and my mind has been found.
Goodnight readers.

Kiss that fucking beer like it’s your best friend and one of the only things in life that will never ever let you down. It is one of life’s only truths.

& you never were, and you never will be mine.

The true beauty of wanting something/someone always plans out to be the expected. That being you try your luck and most of the time your luck isn't so lucky. Having you around is lucky enough, but its more the number 6 then the lucky number 7. You will never know all the ways i have tried, and the more ways i want to try, yet i seem to be helpless and wishing is just no good.

Blowing candles out on birthday cakes, wishing upon the only star to shine. Its not worth the hope of getting what you wished for. Someone opened up to me today who i never expected would. He was honest with me, and i in return with him, i didn't go into great detail with him about my understanding to his point, but it was worth the explanation i got which then bought me to you. I know you share the same view on a certain subject which most males would try and defend unlike you, i will remember everything you have said and i will act upon that more then you will think. I'm listening to a song that will define us in a few months time. Thing is i dont want that rawrrrrrrrrrrr.

i haven't spoken to you,
yet strangely im ok with this.
i am feeling really happy,
and this is nice.

Easter Sunday.

Easter sunday 5th April.
This morning i woke up to the sound of excitement coming from 2 floors down..
easter egg hunts were taking place without me, and chocolate was being scoffed also without me.
mum is having all the family round today, thing is it never turns out to be a 'social gathering' its more a drinks fest so im sure i can bribe some moneys of all my family to go out and get smashed this afternoon, start on a few glasses of wine, and follow through with this pleasent good mood.
yesterday has benefited my mood, and i know you know as much as i do that she is no good for you, she is hated by a fair amount of people & now she has the whore central back she thinks she is better then you and it annoys me bleurgh.
i have a limited amount of time to get this certain persons 11 digits a task that has been offered to me via 8  boys so i can't really say no and there is alot resting on this... this is a task that im going to pursue this afternooon.
bring on later, i am still hiccuping the sweet taste of jaga.. P.s i want anothed 2 round's of poool as i am the best?!!?!?!!??!

today.

4th april
Tonight it's been bought to my attention that...
i dont like dead ends
i dont like brick walls
i like egg fried rice on its own.
i like flicking egg fried rice at people.
i like seeing people with shoes that are 1 size to big for them so they have flapper for, just for amusement purposes.
i dont like 15 year olds wearing fish nets and kitten heels.
i dont like downing jaga bombs.
i like playing pool against someone with less ability then me.
i like meeting new people, its easy to get along with them.
i dont like smoking whilst chewing gum.
i need some new 'flat' shoes.
i need a job to have money, to get in hush.. (not that it's the first thing i would spend it on)
i want a white nitted cardi alot more now then i did last night.
its bank holiday weekend and im going to be drinking via the afternoon all the way to the night.
that you're really hot.
that people let out more gossip then worth.
i hate school kids pretending there old enough to drink.. atleast have ID of relatives/fake.
i like the song starryeyed again.
i also like ushers new song (its now about to start)
i like my hair up.
i dont like being short.
& finally i get on with you alot more then i expected to.

these are of the impossible.

i want to loose weight.
i want to be pretty.
i want straight white teeth.
i want to be rich.
i want luxury hair.
i want a wardrobe that i can be proud of.
i want a boutique theme room.
i want to live in america.
i want the ability to fly.
i want the motivation to work.
i want to be a ucla.
i want to meet a writer.
i want to be able to swim again.
i want it to be summer.
i want to be covered in tattoo's by the age of 30.
i want to eat healthy.
i want to be able to finish a meal properly, as i havent done so for the last 3 years.
i want to like water.
i want a mac book.
i want a high IQ level.
i want to draw animation.
i want to start and elastic band ball.
i want this http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=0&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=19551&storeId=12556&categoryId=162919&parent_category_rn=42344&productId=1662544&langId=-1

i am fat.
i am ugly.
i have shitty teeth.
i am not rich.
i have sicko hair.
i have a wardrobe which i'm not proud of.
i have a brown room.
i am living in a shit hole called lowestoft.
i can't fly.
i don't have the motivation to work yet i need  money.
i can't go to ucla.
i haven't met a writer.
i'm afraid of deep water so i will never be able to swim again.
it's spring not summer i can't change the order of weather seasons.
i have only the one tattoo.
i a junk food addict.
i can never finish a meal to standards of my parents.
i hate water.
i have a bogstandard laptop.
i have a poor IQ level.
i can't draw.
i have no elastic bands.
i have no money.

i'm also going to make these tomorrow i hope u come round and try one.

i fear you maybe forgetting me.

does this remind you of anything?

want it, can't have it.

april 2nd.

i would really enjoy this to be in my room right now.

just so i can hang that simple white nitted cardi i have been wanting for ages off it's silver wired patterns.

tell me something sweet to get me by, dont fill my mind with rich and skinny.. i had a jam donut earlier and oh how i yearn to have my childhood back. I hadn't bitten into a donut so all the jam can run down my chin since i was of the age 10.

if someone purchases me these then i will be a very happy child.

and finally im sitting in bed thinking i need a new bed spread, waverly vintage rose? then i won't be afraid to fall asleep with you. http://www.microwavecookingforone.com/Waverly/images/WaverlyVintageRose.jpg

goodnight my beautiful readers, im sure you'l sleep better then i do, but knowing you're the reason, is why i love loosing sleep.